american dream anxiety

So . Wow. I feel like my American dream slapped me in the face this morning.   I was sure I was going to get fired when I turned up 15 minutes late for work…. And of course the fact that me and seb went for coffee and got a pistachio and blueberry croissant (yes that’s a thing and it’s still in my bag because I didn’t even have time to eat it….) This is not a valid reason to be late. But Get off my dick im here.  Actually that’s totally my bad. Don’t be late. But that started my day off in a completely bullshit way…
Actually my day was already bullshit… I killed it at my hitfit class (that was sick actually – it’s basically CrossFit …  But I can’t call that because I gave my friend too much shit for going on about fucking CrossFit… But this is so good… sorry JB…..  but two classes in and im still as fat as i was a week ago but okay. )  …. went home… chill, shower , chill …. But then I realised I was going to be late . and So my anxiety manifests itself into a fiery pain in my chest which make me feel like my lungs are going to collapse and the only way to get it out is for it to pierce through my eyeballs with burning hot angry tears… Followed by my guilt for acting like such an arsehole to myself and whoever is closest to me and then the day of me apologising for being a dick. That’s how my anxiety cycle goes. This morning was no different.
I thought it was better the devil you know. I know my demons and the better I get to know them the no better they are to me. I just try and catch it a little earlier each time but normally by the time realise that the motherfucker is out of the box he is already running riot.
Anyways. I’m writing this in evergreen garden on Harrison … As I wait for Seb to buy him some apology pho.



Mexican old lady boob

My daily life at the moment is pretty wonderful at the moment. I work Saturday through Wednesday at a second hand clothes shop which is a 12 minute walk from the apartment I live in…. I start at 11 so most mornings we get to smoke a joint and have a coffee on our roof terrace together … what a great way to start the day    …… And i get my lunch or at least a juice or a coffee from a tiny place on mission street called little slice of heaven….. they are super nice there and they give me a neighborhood discount ….


San Francisco has been excellent to me so far…. BUT
After a month of being here , the dense population of homeless people …the pandemic of homeless people with obvious mental health problems combined with problems with either drugs and alcohol is so overwhelming that I can’t ignore it.     I have a preferred route to work that I walk so I pass the least amount of tents and trolleys on the street. Not so I can try to ignore but just for my own safety.
I have joked before that there are so many fucking crazy people in this city. But on closer inspection there are too many very sick people in this city …   Which is starting to leave me with a sense of indifference to people individually because the problem is so overwhelming.
I guess it starts at home. Be kind and respectful to each other and take it from there.

On a lighter note an old Mexican woman came into the store this morning and tried on a dress over here top. She couldn’t get it back over her head so she asked a girl to help her. But her top was obviously caught up which then caused her boob to be fully exposed and flapping around for a good 8 seconds .  …  For her sake I am pleased I was the only who saw. For my sake, mexican old lady boob was not how I thought I would start my day….


why am i here

why do i want to write.  its just for me. no one thinks i am smarter or funnier than i do.     but also , i feel as though i see life through a different way to most.   not only have i been reborn because i dragged myself from the quicksand, my lungs filling, unable to breathe , no reason to try. the darkness had won. it was warm and familiar.                                   but now the light is blinding …. and through it i can see clearer than ever.      life is fucking amazing.

but i being poor have only my dreams. i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


now we really are up to date – which is why its so long……

Friday 16th march     /  to start somewhere .  in bed.     11.43am. …..   i guess last night was a typical san fran night.   well how the fuck do i know. seb and i like drinking and eating food. so we went out and drank .      MANANA = i start at mission thrift,…. gangster as shit , – no …..que chimba ……..    no puedo esperar … …. how that places smells is enough for a whole chapter …   i mean that in the most romantic sense.  i could not be more excited about the opportunity – if i have to spend my day working for someone else just to make that cashmoney then this is going to be sweet for sure.    the start of my sueno americano….  the clothes  are going to sick , im already in love with the place but lets just think about  how many fucking crazy people i am going to be on first name terms with real soon . its almost too much.

anyway.        the mix in castro.   how can you not love being surrounded by absolutely fabulous men watching ru pauls drag race while drinking a pretty big $7 jameson on the rocks. there is literally nothing not to love.    cue the man with insane cheekbones  asking everyone how old they think he is.     yes your skin is amazing.          by the way,,,,, i go everywhere with the most handsome man in the castro ….. he really is . he told me last night that he thinks that gay men think he is a prostitute.  i can only assume that is a good thing  …..         as far as the mix.      everyone was so very good looking ,   i cant really get past that. .. nor do i need to.  with an outside inside outside bit ….. so you can smoke … inside ……. not a lot of chairs

i have also just remembered that we went to casanova  on 16th and valencia. the jameson is the reason that i don’t really remember shit about there. they had a round bar… red lighting. real friendly bar staff…..   once again the clientele was above average looking. but then i don’t know. maybe im just always kind of wasted. but everyone was having a great time loving their life . so yeah . good vibes. i don’t remember leaving. . i had to go and get a chair from someone else .   am i one of the few people that likes to sit down in this city …  ……….… more chairs for me. 1 chair. i just need one chair.

zzzzzzzzz  …….      french vanilla coconut milk creamer ….       ….  i don’t even know how to describe how amazingly ridiculously unnecessary that is . its sooooo fucking good.       with milk or black.  thats still fine with me and its one less word

task for Friday.   OMG  i just forgot that i am writing about the creamer because i have it in the fridge and i am going to make a coffee.. sweet. okay.   i am going to try and buy some trainers (sneakers) today. exercise.  i feel thinner for thinking about thinking about that.

Thursday 22nd March 

i was supposed to be writing this everyday but … well i haven’t. i have just finished my first whole week of work in the mission so i am not being too hard on myself . but lets try and step it up chanti.    oh yeah…. firstly – the Phoenix Irish bar on valencia.    we should of known better. Irish bar should be a big red light…. generally a tourist / douchebag hangout  … and for that it didn’t disappoint.   everything about it was Michael korrs. super basic. and one very over worked barmaid.   we shared a black and blue burger and some chicken strips with our over priced beer.  *     average at very best ….   nothing there for us to return there for.   but you live and learn

oh flash back to St. Patricks day.      after spending the day working in a store with people coming in buying their green shit , 2 real drunk girls buying fur coats at 1 in the afternoon because they were cold / amazing purchases girls ) plus watching the stream of kids shouting at each other as they smoked outside the bar opposite – i knew what going out for a drink that night would be .

but we wanted a beer because i had just finished my first day at mission thrift. .   so we went to zeitgeist..  this place has its own t-shirts.   not sure who wants to buy a vest with he logo of a bar which is jut essential a big beer garden playing down with the sickness on repeat for  2 hours …   i think they played chop suey once.  to be fair i love that song. ….  you know the type of people that go to rock bars because they are so alternative but actually are just surrounded by another 150 people who look exactly the same.    you don’t. well go there ….

oh – we were talking to a bunch of techies and i told one of them that i had just started my new job today ‘eugh, what type of job starts on a Saturday? ‘ ummmm mine … ‘so what is that you do?’  i work in a vintage clothes store….  ’oh’ and turns his back to me….. what a cunt.

the most successful acquisition of the week would have to be that we have our local …. mission hill saloon. i can literally see it from my bedroom window. on the corner of Potrero and mariposa . I. LOVE. IT. its a local bar for local people , there’s nothing for you here….. .   ……  already i think that the barman in there hates us *probably because the first time we went i , i think i pretty much told him that he looks like a member of the Cullen family that was banished and then forced to work nights in a bar. …… maybe that was rude but its accurate as shit too !       but my never ending optimism tells me that the day walker and everyone else in that bar wants to be my best friend.

Friday 23rd march 


streatfood park – that place is cool – maybe a little overpriced. not maybe. overpriced. but pretty good. not great tho.  its like a car park but with 15 or so semi permanent food trucks . on the bottom of potrero.

i had noodles with a ‘japanese style’ sauce.   with like breansprouts. but the noodles where like ramen noodles but without the soup if there had been more sauce it would have been decent.       seb went to the peruvian truck and had bbq ribs with rice and black beans and some mustard type sauce.   the ribs were the winner.

after a taxing day of looking for a dresser ….   which was bought this morning btw . we popped out for a quick beer at our local. which turned into like 4 beers and then whisky and then going to the stud  in the castro  …..  i love that place. it was perfect.  not too busy . not too many pretentious dickheads and i think the drinks were reasonable priced (expensive but not insane = which is reasonable i guess !)  i cant remember if we had to pay to get in. i dont think so. but its pretty much just a blur of more whisky and lots of dancing and a pretty good dj –  actually he could of been terrible.  there was a dj.     which was so ,, much, fun ….     its 4 in the afternoon and i still feel ropey so it must of been good.   im  not sure that either Sebastian or i really know what no more jameson actually means .     i am going to make salmon with brocolli, spinach and quinoa for dinner.  balance.

sunday 25 march 

so Saturday is my Monday now in the sense that i have Thursday and Friday off work so its my first in 5 days. but its still Saturday  so i met sebastain at the 500 club with my the guy that i work with and his boyfriend.  that place is always chill for me so far.  they do racer on tap which i love and i love the logo which i am sure makes it taste better….. and we had like 4 beers. which is a few beers but not whisky so it was totally reasonable. i feel my normal always slightly hungover self this morning but nothing devastating.    anyway . so after the beers we went to walk in the direction of home and decide what to do on the way. and we passed by the place called el pirata. on 16th.  and we went in there because seb thought they did food.   but   the woman who greeted us at the door was without a doubt the rudest person i have had§ad the displeasure of coming across in my time in san francisco.   she must of said to us like 6 times before we even did anything  ‘kids you will have to take the party somewhere else’.    i said to her kids ?!    why are you speaking to me like that (bitch)  im 34 years old.      well still you need to leave.

what the fuck is that. so ,. they either thought that we were really drunk and i can forgive people being rude when they have had a long day or whatever maybe i can forigve that. but really i cant. sebastian and i are not rude people . we always have a good time and trreat people respectfully,    or they just didnt want us in there and they were the arseholes .   so . el pirata. avoid at all costs.       this is therapeutic as shit.     i am going to make myself a banana smootie the ingredients will consitent of banana , yoghurt and honey.

oh my god. i discovered the best most terrifying piece of americana yesterday. the citizen app.    bascally it uses your location to tell you like google maps where crime has happened near you. and like Instagram stories people post live videos o=so you can watch shit going down in real time or catch up with it later.  wow.

friday 29 march 

firstly , last nights sushi. we went to we be sushi on valenica. i have been there before it was perfect. and it was perfect this time too. i have the chirashi  and seb had eel and then some salmon and avocado rolls. all coming into $50.

great food, and an endless supply of people to comment on and californian beers to drink…. .

i feel distracted at the moment of writing this…..  i am ready and want to share the things i see and taste and hear with anyone who is interested to read it….. i hope no one laughs at my soul   … i think it is fragile…


December 15 2017 (why i am here …. )

finding myself with 5 days to kill in san francisco after 2 months trimming weed in NorCal. I book myself into a hostel in downtown san fran where i meet some austrilian guys who i tag along with for the night. we go to a club called F8 , which i now know is on folsom. every wednesday – housepitaily. …  this is where i met sebastian. he is a colombian living in san fran for the last few months after moving here from brooklyn. he is a wonderful photographer, he is hilarious and smart and kind and definetly the most beautiful man i have ever laid eyes on . from the second i remember seeing him i knew we would be together.  after 5 days together, i had my flight back to medellin.  there my plan was to start a small business with a friend of mine renting bicycles to tourists.  I LOVE MEDELLIN. it is my favourite place in the world. i had found somewhere i felt that i wanted to call home. i go back home to medellin but after 2 days of being back i realised that i needed to be with sebastian. and it was as simply as that. so skip forward to 2 weeks of partying in medellin up to christmas and new year , followed by 3 weeks in the UK to see my family and friends.  …. followed by a few weeks defrosting on the colombian beach with my friends up there  ……..       then just an easy 3 flights from santa marta, bogota, mexico city to tijuana a 5 hour bus journey to LA where seb meets me and its done , im back with the man of my dreams less that 3 months later……   incredible ,,,,    without a doubt the best decision i ever made.

and that brings us up to date more of less…. ….. ..