american dream anxiety

So . Wow. I feel like my American dream slapped me in the face this morning.   I was sure I was going to get fired when I turned up 15 minutes late for work…. And of course the fact that me and seb went for coffee and got a pistachio and blueberry croissant (yes that’s a thing and it’s still in my bag because I didn’t even have time to eat it….) This is not a valid reason to be late. But Get off my dick im here.  Actually that’s totally my bad. Don’t be late. But that started my day off in a completely bullshit way…
Actually my day was already bullshit… I killed it at my hitfit class (that was sick actually – it’s basically CrossFit …  But I can’t call that because I gave my friend too much shit for going on about fucking CrossFit… But this is so good… sorry JB…..  but two classes in and im still as fat as i was a week ago but okay. )  …. went home… chill, shower , chill …. But then I realised I was going to be late . and So my anxiety manifests itself into a fiery pain in my chest which make me feel like my lungs are going to collapse and the only way to get it out is for it to pierce through my eyeballs with burning hot angry tears… Followed by my guilt for acting like such an arsehole to myself and whoever is closest to me and then the day of me apologising for being a dick. That’s how my anxiety cycle goes. This morning was no different.
I thought it was better the devil you know. I know my demons and the better I get to know them the no better they are to me. I just try and catch it a little earlier each time but normally by the time realise that the motherfucker is out of the box he is already running riot.
Anyways. I’m writing this in evergreen garden on Harrison … As I wait for Seb to buy him some apology pho.



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