why am i here

why do i want to write.  its just for me. no one thinks i am smarter or funnier than i do.     but also , i feel as though i see life through a different way to most.   not only have i been reborn because i dragged myself from the quicksand, my lungs filling, unable to breathe , no reason to try. the darkness had won. it was warm and familiar.                                   but now the light is blinding …. and through it i can see clearer than ever.      life is fucking amazing.

but i being poor have only my dreams. i spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

 

SF……..BRB

the last 3 weeks have been nothing but a blur of a great time.more than it is possbile for me to articulate
…. i met a kardashian, the warriors are in the play off finals. and i am more in love than ever.
however.. due to, lets call them administrative issues i have had to leave the love of my life and san francisco and take care of some tings over the border.   but i will be back of course,,  my heart is there … and half my wardrobe
cue my colombian born , toronto living loving friend sarah. i love her .   we met in the colombian  jungle a few years ago and here i am staying with her for a minute…. she lives downtown, in the village , by what i can see it is the castro of toronto….. fucking sweet….  . …. thats the abridged version…. i went to sebastians favourite restuarnt in manhatten enroute to toronto …. village yokocho… tuna salad and octopus sashimi… it was fucking delicous..
i was so distraught saying goodbye to sebastian at SFO that while having a glass of wine at the gate amd trying to get my shit together that the 70 year old hippy woman next to me gave me a hug and a Xanax and i woke up in la guardia..so every cloud etc……

my mum came to visit

friday night my mum arrived.she told me tuesday that she got a good deal on flight from my auntie maria on BA concessions.   awesome. what a great surprise. i have all this weekend booked off work .. because we were going to go to the mutek thing in san fran so we can easily sack that off to spend the weekend with my mum. what serenpidous timing.

OH YEAH.  i lived to die another day . i had my dentist appointment moved to yesterday morning…. and then denist decided to that my last wisdom tooth needed to come out so they were going to put me under a general anthestic  … apart from the fact that they had to give me enough anesthic for 3 people and i still wastn fully asleep. i have a high tolerence …. to most things.    as a side note my dentist is from medellin… i cant escape that city i love it.

so yesterday after i felt the better after the dentist and seb finished work. the 3 of us went to high tops. which is a sports bar in the castro. so that i could have someone to chill for minute, seb could watch the cavaliers game and my mum could people watch. we had margaritas.     then went to oprhan andys diner round the corner for dinner. they had cheeseburgers. i had mash potato and scrambled eggs.   actually mine was spot on im not complaining. a few days of non solid food is not going to do my waist line any harm.    except i want to take my mum to dottys true blue cafe this morning… i want mashed up pancakes with fuck loads of syrup … . . .  TONIGHT we are going to tartine manufactory for dinner . its the fancy french place a few blocks from where we live that seb and i have been wanting an excuse to go to .    id probably already given the menu a good 25 minutes of my time over the last few weeks and even if i could eat properly i would still order the steak tartae. am i the only person who does that … there are a load of resturants round here that if i had to go there right now i could order one thing delicous without needing a menu. i decide what i would hypothetically have and disregard the rest. in menu’s as in life.

the waiter in orhan andys…. me and my boyfriend went to london…. oh yeah.   we went to a bar there but i cant remember the name…. … i think that was a true story

the whole tooth

They say that no news is good news which is why I am saying that I haven’t written anything for a while because life has been beautiful and everything has been ticking by without incident and that is true but eberything has still been hilarious and note worthy so it’s more to do with yhe cable to the laptop being broken and the new one has only just arrived. Because I have really wanted to write. Everything is fucking hilarious here.. Americans are fucking mental. All of them. The crazy people are fucking psychopaths buttttt with that said still most of the people in San Fran are fucking soft you know.fluffy. Apart from the gays in the Castro who are actually bad ass. But everyone else had that whiney bull shit tone to their voice …. You knowwwwwwww (add upward inflection) For me that’s where it’s at in SF . Plus the electronic music scene is more than decent.

Oh big news. Tomorrow I will die in a clinic on mission street by the hand of my dentista de el barrio. .my actual worst nightmare of needing medical treatment in the united states has come true. I have to have a tooth taken out at the dentist. If I could wait until I was back in Colombia I would but I need this shit dealt with yesterday. I’ve hardly slept for 3 days and it’s be.IT FUCKING HURTS. So tomorrow I’ll have it ripped from my face. All for the low low price of a thousand dollars. Sebastian can’t wait.

 

 

 

 

idle hands are the devils playpen

at the roxie theatre in mission on 16th they showed the film idle hands….    you know when you see a film twenty years ago and then watch it again and its terrible. this was the opposite of that it… it was sooooo good. that film is fucking hilarious. and before they had a compare which was a dude in a  cape and a weird witches mask… but the best part was the 3 drag acts before the film… the last and best one being two queens battling with a dildo that had come to life.  …..   before we went to the tooth that is opposite my work… on wednesday they have twenty five cent wings …..   they were decent….      the place was fucking packed.

 

for the last 2 weeks i feel like i have been living in a little bubble of domestic bliss…. in a place where i have just turned up to but now i feel that at least some people know that i existed here too …..  but mostly why it has been bliss is that i have never in my life enjoyed getting up to go to work, to enjoy my tea, my lunch, my afternoon at work because i know i am going to have a great evening and that i get to do it all again tomorrow. i thought that i would be bored but its far from it . and i have realised if i dont write almost everyday then i cant keep up….

 

sunday morning tuesday vibes

sunday is my tuesday , but with sunday morning vibes….  basically im hungover but i still have to go to work.

listening to cardiiiiiiiii b………………….now i like dollars, i like diamonds, i like stunting,i like shiney, i like million dollar deals, where’s my pen, bitch im signing

i wasnt even going to mention it but yesterday i was walking to work and i get to the corner of 20th and mission . and as i am waiting to cross the road a girl looks me right in the eye and says .. no one cares what the fuck you think you ugly cunt ….   oh shit , shes talking to me …..okay….  i mean i already knew that but still.    but maybe i  needed that.   maybe we all do . because i actually feel like that most of the time but when i heard that out loud. like . fuck you. im doing alright…..   was she even at that corner…. OMG …… imagine. like ive already become one of them.  like animal farm. but she was the pig and now i am her…. i dont know. but …   i made spinach , brocolli and courgette soup ( i was going to write green soup because i cant spell any of those vegetables …)  and when i  got up to make my detox tea shit im drinking for the next 7 days  …. i thought about her and the so the rest of that soup i am have put in some pots and on my work i am gong to give it some people who may want it.    we went to f8 on folsom on wednesday night. .that club basically has the sickest dj’s because people play there then enroute to their big gig in LA at the weekend… this week they had jamaica suk… she is extra cool.  and last night we went to the 500 club after work with sebastian… and my work colleague…. ha .. the cool guy i work with. … i work with 2 other people. one of them is cool. one of them is not.  then we almost made it home but went to the bar across the street from our house … apartment …. and they had a wedding reception in there…. on retrospect…. what a place to have a wedding party ,,,,i cant call it a reception because there were no snacks…… but for some reason i thought the most apropriate thing was to buy the diamonte clad bride a shock of vodka. fine. seb and i had some more beers. laughed lots.jameson. went home. i remembered that d m’s i had bought had arrived….. i am sure lacing them is going to make me late for work.

american dream anxiety

So . Wow. I feel like my American dream slapped me in the face this morning.   I was sure I was going to get fired when I turned up 15 minutes late for work…. And of course the fact that me and seb went for coffee and got a pistachio and blueberry croissant (yes that’s a thing and it’s still in my bag because I didn’t even have time to eat it….) This is not a valid reason to be late. But Get off my dick im here.  Actually that’s totally my bad. Don’t be late. But that started my day off in a completely bullshit way…
Actually my day was already bullshit… I killed it at my hitfit class (that was sick actually – it’s basically CrossFit …  But I can’t call that because I gave my friend too much shit for going on about fucking CrossFit… But this is so good… sorry JB…..  but two classes in and im still as fat as i was a week ago but okay. )  …. went home… chill, shower , chill …. But then I realised I was going to be late . and So my anxiety manifests itself into a fiery pain in my chest which make me feel like my lungs are going to collapse and the only way to get it out is for it to pierce through my eyeballs with burning hot angry tears… Followed by my guilt for acting like such an arsehole to myself and whoever is closest to me and then the day of me apologising for being a dick. That’s how my anxiety cycle goes. This morning was no different.
I thought it was better the devil you know. I know my demons and the better I get to know them the no better they are to me. I just try and catch it a little earlier each time but normally by the time realise that the motherfucker is out of the box he is already running riot.
Anyways. I’m writing this in evergreen garden on Harrison … As I wait for Seb to buy him some apology pho.
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